How to Manage Working Mom Guilt

Nowadays, many women are balancing family and career, meaning they’re dealing with the demands of both their workplace and their home. There’s usually a lot of pressure too. We’re expected to mother like we don’t have a job and work like we’re not a mother. It’s a lot, and the result is often working mom guilt.  This guilt can be the result of many different things. You’re afraid of missing out on milestones, you’re trying to be the best mother possible, and often, you’re dealing with having to leave your child at daycare every morning, which can be hard. Personally, I’m a work-from-home mom, which is a whole other can of worms, but many of the issues are the same because while you’re with your children all day, you’re often busy and distracted. So, I’ve had to come up with strategies to help with my own working mom guilt.

Understanding Working Mom Guilt

Working mom guilt is a complex emotion, and it stems from wanting to be the best mother you can be with the financial necessity (and/or desire!) to work. This guilt is made worse by society’s expectations of mothers and the many seemingly perfect mothers we see on social media. (It’s a fantasy, by the way. They don’t have it all together either.) The key thing to understand is that most working moms are dealing with some level of working mom guilt. The first step to dealing with it is to acknowledge it.

Changing How You Think

One of the best ways a working mom can deal with guilt is to change their own narrative when it comes to parenthood. Rather than thinking you have to be the perfect mom, it’s more beneficial to think about how you’re doing the best you can, and as long as you’re actively trying, then you’re doing okay. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect all the time. To do this, try to reframe how you think about the time you spend with your children. Rather than thinking you need to spend all the time with your children, make the best of the time you do have. Think quality over quantity. Your goal is to be present when you’re with your children and create those meaningful and engaging interactions.

Setting Realistic Expectations

It’s not possible to be a perfect mother (or more accurately, our own definition of a perfect mother) all the time. We need to accept that some days will be better than others, and that’s okay. This goes for both sides of our lives – work and motherhood. This is why it’s important to set those realistic expectations about what can be achieved in a day and learn how to prioritize rather than pressure yourself to get everything done every day. That kind of pressure will ruin you.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was about managing life as a working mom was learning which balls are glass and which balls are plastic. My understanding is that this came from Nora Roberts, but I can’t find a direct source. But she talked about how you’re juggling a lot of balls, and you’re inevitably going to drop some. So, you need to learn which balls will break and which balls will bounce. You can’t do everything, so just make sure you don’t drop the glass balls.

Building a Support System

One of the best ways to deal with your working mom guilt is to focus on building out your support system. Doing motherhood alone is so difficult, if not downright impossible. Whether you’re a single mom or not, you need a robust support system, however you can get it. Some mothers have to pay for their support while others can rely on family, friends, coworkers, and/or community. This isn’t just for literal support like babysitting, but also emotional support. Having someone you can share your day with is important too.

If you’ve got a partner, they need to be supporting you and the family too. Raising the children and managing the household is as much their job as it is yours. If you’ve got a partner who isn’t stepping up, I would recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s extremely helpful for building a partnership that works.

A solid support system also includes your job. If you can, find a workplace that supports family. Things are getting better as newer generations build out businesses, and they’re often more supportive and forgiving of family life because they’re dealing with it too, or just see the value. Proper parental leave, generous PTO, flexible hours, and remote work options are all important parts of having a job that works for you and your family.

Embracing Self-care

Self-care is usually the first thing to go when it comes to being a mom. But it’s so crucial that we take care of ourselves first. You can’t pour from an empty cup, meaning you can’t take care of anyone if you’re not filling up your own cup. This doesn’t need to be complicated, and it needs to suit you. If you’re not one for a bubble bath with candles, don’t have one. Write, read, knit, whatever. Have a hobby that is separate from everything else in your life and is just for you. Do what you authentically enjoy. But make sure you’re taking care of the basics too. This means eating as best you can and getting some regular exercise, even if it’s just a walk. Taking care of our minds and our bodies is what keeps us going.

Focusing on the Positive (As Best You Can)

It’s so easy to focus on what we missed in our kids’ lives or all the times we had to compromise when it came to our kids or our job. But it’s important to recognize the good you’re doing too. We don’t want to tip over into toxic positivity, but we do want to acknowledge the good in our lives. Think about what you’re doing well, consider what you’re grateful for, and give yourself some much-needed credit. It takes a lot of strength and resilience to be a working mom. You’re doing good for your family, whether that’s taking care of yourself by doing a career you enjoy or bringing more financial stability to your kids’ lives. Ideally, you’re doing both! These are all good things and can help with that working mom guilt.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, the weight of working mom guilt can be overwhelming. It can negatively affect your mental health and overall well-being to the point where you’re not functioning. If that’s the case, it’s okay to reach out for professional support. Personally, I have a therapist, and she’s been so helpful as I’ve been learning to navigate motherhood. She can help me stay on track when it comes to all of my tips above. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact, it’s important we deal with our emotional health, so we don’t pass anything on to our kids. We want to show them how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way, which means we need to do it for ourselves. A mental health professional can help you come up with strategies that work specifically for you and address any underlying issues you might be having.

Being a working mom is hard! It’s full of challenges and heightened emotions. But it comes with good too, so it’s important we take the good with the bad. By taking the proper steps to deal with our working mom guilt, we can build a better life for ourselves and our children. Remember, the only reason you feel this guilt is that you love your kids, and you want to do right by them. One of the most helpful things I ever heard was, “Bad parents don’t worry about if they’re being good parents.” You’re already halfway there. You’ve got this.