Tips to Maintain Your Personal Identity as a Mom

Last updated on December 10th, 2025 at 12:35 pm

To be perfectly honest, I think we sometimes lose ourselves in motherhood. Then, when the kids are gone more, we’re left going, “Now what?” And even before then, we might feel lost and unsure who we are. New motherhood, especially, can be plagued with “Who am I?” as you honestly grieve who you were. But you deserve to also feel like a person. That’s allowed. So, let’s get into the specifics. How can you actually maintain a sense of self as a mom?

Have a hobby (that isn’t monetized)

I know money is probably tight, and in our society, we’re encouraged to monetize everything. But making money off something turns it into a job, which can suck the fun out of it. So, it’s important to have a hobby that isn’t monetized. It doesn’t need to be expensive either. If your hobby is reading, you can get everything from the library. But have something that’s just for you.

Engage with the world around you

For me, this means a couple of things. The first is slowing down every once in a while and really paying attention to your surroundings and body. Feel the warmth of your cup of coffee. Hear the birds as you walk down the street with your kids. Take a moment to unclench your jaw and take a deep breath.

The second thing is being involved with the world. This might mean volunteering or joining some local organization that allows you to get out and feel like you’re doing good. If all else fails, join your PTA and contribute to your kids’ school.

Bring your kids along with you for things that you enjoy

We live in a very kid-centric society in the US, but really, we should be doing some parent-centric things too. If you’d really like to do something but you can’t find childcare, take them with you! This also gives them an opportunity to learn how to function in the world and maybe learn how to do some things that aren’t as fun for them.

This can include things in the house too. If you want time for your puzzles, you can set up their own station for their own puzzles. If you’re reading, set them up with their own book or audiobook.

Work with your partner so you each have personal time

If you have a partner, it’s crucial that you both get time. That means you too! My partner and I have worked it out that I get more time on Saturday, and he gets more time on Sunday. But maybe you have a book club Wednesday night, and you should be able to attend that. Work out a schedule that feels fair to the two of you because you both deserve decompression time.

(I would feel remiss not to mention that if you get home and your house is a mess and the children haven’t been properly cared for, your partner isn’t incompetent. They’re punishing you for taking time away. Act accordingly.)

Maintain your friendships!

I cannot emphasize how important this is. It is absolutely essential that you hold on to your friends when you have kids and ideally make new mom friends too.

Whatever you need to do to show up for your friends is worth doing. Put their important dates in your calendar so you don’t forget. Set alarms so you remember to text them in the chaos. If they’re getting Christmas presents for your kids, get something for them too.

That being said, if they don’t do what it takes to show up for you, let them go. Get better friends by joining clubs and organizations. Show up at your local coffee shop regularly. Strike up conversations at the playground. Reciprocity in friendships is the most important thing.

Take care of your physical body

Feeling good physically is a big part of feeling human. The most obvious things are eating well, sleeping as much as possible, and getting movement where you can. But also hygiene. You feel more like a person with a shower and clean teeth. Trust me.

A large part of maintaining your personal identity as a mom is simply doing what makes YOU feel good and human. It’s centering yourself every once in a while so you’re not a boiling pot of resentment and exhaustion. It’s hard work, but it’s worth doing. You’re worth it. If you’re not even sure what’s fun and important to you anymore, I give you full permission to experiment until you figure it out. Go forth.